"The light at the end of the tunnel is the light of an oncoming train."
"As I said before, I never repeat myself."
"Time slows if you're on the outside of the bathroom door."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands."
"Behind many a successful man is an exhausted woman."
"My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him."
"If Windows is User-Friendly, why do you need to read a 672-page manual?"
"Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space."
"MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!”
"If you're not confused, you're not paying attention."
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by then I was too famous."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it."
"How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans."
"Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so."
"Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it."
"Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything."
"Oh Lord, give me patience. But give it to me RIGHT NOW!"
Warning: The foregoings are meant to be taken lightly.